Just As I Am

'The Cure' Documentary

2011-11-04T08:38:00.005+11:00

Hi everyone,

I'm very excited because the trailer for the long-awaited documentary 'The Cure' was released today. The film features Anthony Venn-Brown (former AOG pastor, f2b co-founder), Paul Martin (Psychologist and former leader of Exodus in Victoria), Ron Brookman (self titled 'ex-gay' and leader of Living Waters), Hannah Pia Baral (Former living waters leader, current f2b Sydney leader), Peter Murphy (ex-gay survivor) and myself.

This is the first time that the Australian 'ex-gay' story has been told.

Look out for it at upcoming film festivals around Australia and later internationally.

Hope you all enjoy the trailer as much as I do.

Love,
Ben

New interview on ABC Radio National

2011-09-09T22:23:00.005+10:00

Hi everyone,

I apologise for not posting in a while but I have been really busy with freedom2b and with writing my thesis. I aim to post a whole heap of new things starting November 2011. In the mean time please take a listen to a recent interview I did on ABC Radio National for their Breakfast program.

Also...if you haven't checked out freedom2b yet then why not?? www.freedom2b.org

Hillsong, Homosexuality & The Church

2011-06-13T22:39:00.002+10:00

Hey guys & girls,

Please see below one of the more recent videos I was interviewed in. Some amazing news at the end...definitely worth watching for.

Lots of love,
Ben

The Freedom To Be Me

2010-11-05T12:48:00.004+11:00

I recently wrote an article which has featured on Page 10 of 'SX News' which is Sydney's top gay magazine. After only two days, it was the #1 most viewed article on the SX website.

The article has generated discussion and I could have never imagined the impact that one piece of writing could have.

To view the article online, go to:
http://sxnews.gaynewsnetwork.com.au/feature/christian-gay-and-happy-yes-it-is-possible-008003.html

Much love,
Ben

Working together - The Church & LGBT Community

2010-10-11T21:32:00.008+11:00

Almost every day I talk to a gay person that just doesn't understand why I would bother keeping my faith and why I would bother investing my time in building bridges between the church and the gay community. I think this comes down to a huge level of ignorance and the fact that the majority of LGBT people and the majority of Christians don't really understand what's really happening on the 'other side'.

Whether you call Christianity a religion or a faith, you need to know that God doesn't discriminate against the LGBT community - PEOPLE DO!!

Every individual has to make their own choices and people from religious backgrounds and non-religious backgrounds discriminate against LGBT people all the time. The Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard is a strong atheist and she has repeatedly stated that she does not support same-sex marriage from a personal and political perspective. She is one example of many!

Also most of the direct discrimination I have encountered has been from non-religious people. Churches aren't anti-gay because they hate gay people and the LGBT community is not anti-religion because they hate God! Both sides are ignorant and IGNORANCE IS THE REAL PROBLEM! Both sides have never had dialogue and learnt from each other. It's always been this mini war about one-side against another in which no-one wins but everyone loses.

My great friend and mentor Anthony Venn-Brown often says "the enemy we fight is not individuals, political parties or denominations - the enemy is ignorance".

Whether you are a straight Christian woman or an gay male atheist, we need to encourage dialogue and build a bridge between the LGBT community and churches. We should not be militant, we should not be bitter! We must simply try to get people to talk...and that is the first step. We need to stand in the gap!

Conferences such as 'A Different Conversation', books such as Andrew Marin's 'Love is An Orientation' and organisations such as freedom 2 b[e], Soulforce and 100 Revs are making a real effort in bridging this gap!

Churches and Religious organisations will never go away and neither will the LGBT community. So we either keep fighting or we start talking peacefully about things and work together to really help people? Think about it? One creates peace, another creates war!

What would Jesus do?

Celebrating Freedom 2 b[e] Youth

2010-09-27T20:53:00.007+10:00

As some of you may know, I am the Sydney Youth Co-ordinator from Freedom 2 b[e] which is a place to assist LGBT people from Christian backgrounds on their journey to reconcile their faith and sexuality.

This month, I am celebrating some of the achievements and the successes of Freedom 2 b[e] Youth and although it has not always been easy, I have been so happy to have been part of this great organisation.

2008
Freedom 2 b[e] Youth was originally launched in July 2008 by Rebecca Apted & Lloyd Jones. The first event was drinks at the Burdekin, followed by socialising and some frisbee in Sydney's Hyde Park. About 10 in total turned up for this inaugural event and it was off to a good start. Two more events followed including a Bowling night and a Picnic night.

In late 2008, Freedom 2 b[e] Youth stopped because the (then current) leaders were dealing with some personal things and finding it challenging to balance the pressures of f2b youth and their personal lives.

2009
No events occurred in the first half of 2009, but the amount of young people coming to freedom 2 b[e] continued to grow rapidly and the need for a space for them was much needed. In late September 2009, Freedom 2 b[e] Youth was relaunched and revamped and Alex & I relaunched the organisation again.

2010
It has now been just over one year since Freedom 2 b[e] Youth was relaunched and we have seen amazing growth in numbers, as an organisation and as a community. Attendance at meetings can be anywhere from 20-40 people and it keeps on growing.

Young people lives have literally been saved and the stories from so many continue to inspire and encourage us to move forward and help more people. This year, the stories of Shan and Mick have been key examples to the much needed work of Freedom 2 b[e] Youth. These two young men have found hope, connection and support in the face of severe hardship and adversity. Many other young men and women have similar stories. There are too many to name, but recent stories including the journey's of Scott, Alex, John, Shaylee, Sam, Lyle, Daniel & Craig are wonderful examples of the hope and support people have found in Freedom 2 b[e] Youth.

As the Sydney Youth Coordinator, I am amazed at the great things that God is doing through the organisation and I am excited about the future and what we can accomplish together.

During the next two months of September & October 2010, we will celebrate Freedom 2 b[e] Youth and the amazing work that has been done so far. This a great milestone for 1 year of continuous, strong leadership, great meetings and events, some powerful stories of lives changed, community building, networking and growing as an organisation.

Special thanks to Freedom 2 b[e], the board members, Crave MCC, my co-coordinator Alex, the f2b webmaster Chris, all the helpers and those that have supported us in prayer and in financial support. We couldn't have done this without you!!

"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure" Hebrews 6:10-11

Ben Gresham, 2010

3 insights from the life of a young gay Christian...

2010-07-06T22:25:00.011+10:00

Hi everyone,

Sorry for being so slack lately in my blogs and updates.

I cannot believe it has now been over 2 years since I 'came out' at church and to all of my family. Since then so many incredible things have happened...life hasn't always been easy but God has given me strength to see each and every day through.

Some insights that I have gained from the last few months:

1. The strength in telling your story.
The bible says in Luke 8:39 "Go home and tell aloud the story of all He has done for you". Stories were a vital form of communication for Jesus. People connected with His stories and with the hope and truth that they provided.

I have found incredible strength in telling my story over the years. Every time I tell my story I feel more and more liberated and a new sense of freedom emerges. I am amazed at God's grace in taking me to this position I am in now. I have a platform to reach people with the hope found in Christ and the reality that sexual orientation and Christianity can be reconciled.

In late July this year I was offered an opportunity to take up a casual position with an organisation called Family Planning NSW. With this organisation I will speak to hundreds of high school students about homophobia. I will share my story, engage and communicate with the students and hopefully play a part in making high schools safer for gay and lesbian young people.

2. Boyfriends aren't flawless but God is!
In the last year I had a tough break-up with my partner of over 1 year, Rob. This was such a challenge for me to see this relationship end. Rob was my first boyfriend and the guy that I thought I would spend my life with. After many relationship difficulties, including his move down to Melbourne for work, we decided to end the relationship.

When the relationship ended, my depression only became worse and my relationship with God started to shake and I started to doubt myself again. I seemed to turn to psychologists, friends, family, alcohol but no matter what I did, nothing seemed to take away the sadness. It was in this moment that I realised that amongst all this craziness, I had forgotten to turn to the only one who is able to heal, restore and give me strength - Jesus.

When I turned away from myself and focused on God, I realised that I should not worry about the future. If God is who He says he is then I know that He holds my future in his hands. And as it says in Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, Plans to give you a hope and a future".

3. Never underestimate the combined power of a bunch of young people passionate about seeing God move in their community and bring hope to the hopeless.
In September 2009, I took over the position as Youth Coordinator for Freedom 2 b[e]. It was a tough challenge but it was an opportunity to provide hope, guidance and to put smiles back on the faces of LGBT youth, many who had been through incredibly tough times.

Since September 2009, we have seen Freedom 2 b[e] Youth grow to up to around 40 people attending each event here in Sydney, with many more joining our online forums, and making a positive difference in churches and the gay community.

I am constantly amazed at the goodness of our God and the passion he puts into the hearts of the Youth in Freedom 2 b[e]. I hope and pray that God continues to bless this important ministry so that all the pain and hard times that many gay Christians have gone through may be no longer.

Each and every suicide committed by a young gay person is one too many!! We can all play a part in showing people everywhere that they matter and that God loves them so much. Sometimes that's all it takes to turn a person's life around. God's word is not only for certain types of people....it is for EVERYONE!!

I have loved writing to you all and I am constantly humbled by the comments you leave me. You have given me strength , just like I hope I have done the same for many of you.

Much love,
Ben

Survivors of ex-gay programs march in the 2010 Sydney Mardi Gras

2010-03-07T20:55:00.008+11:00

Hi all,

It has been way too long since I updated this but I just wanted to say how amazing my life is now. It almost seems like the divide between faith and sexuality is no longer there in my world. It's not an issue for me personally any more. But there are still so many others out there in churches across Australia and across the World looking for hope, love and acceptance and struggling with the question..."Will God love me even if I'm gay?".

The answer to that question is found in you and I. We can play an important role in connecting gay and lesbian people to Jesus' all inclusive, amazing, empowering love. His cross is as relevant for gay people as it is for anyone else. This is WHY we march in the mardi gras year after year....to connect people with the love and hope found in Jesus and to stand up as valuable, strong gay and lesbian Christians.

Show your support....watch the VIDEO HERE

Make a difference and share your journey on the Freedom 2 b[e] website HERE.

Much love,
Ben G

Why is a place for gay Christian youth needed in our society?

2009-11-21T15:47:00.009+11:00

“Sometimes I feel so guilty about my feelings’’.

“Am I going to hell? That’s the gnawing question that is always drilling little holes in the back of my mind. Please don’t send me to hell....Lord I want to be good...I need your seal of approval” – Bobby Griffith

The statistics of GLBT Youth suicide is significant, especially from Christian backgrounds. “The suicide rate for gay and lesbian youth is up to eight times higher than for their heterosexual peers, often due to homophobic bullying, abuse and anxiety about coming out” (Stark J, 2009).

Many young GLBT people from church backgrounds have previously made attempts at self harm with some even committing suicide. “Recent Australian research found up to 31 per cent of gay people suffered from anxiety disorders and depression compared with between 4 per cent and 14 per cent of heterosexuals. Seventeen per cent of young gay women had tried to harm or kill themselves in the previous six months compared with 2 per cent of straight women” (Stark J, 2009).

In September this year we kick started Freedom 2 b[e] Youth in Sydney to help make a step forward in targeting youth suicide, depression and self harm.

A safe, welcoming space is provided for GLBT youth from Christian church backgrounds. By Youth, we refer to those under the age of 30. A ‘open’ space is facilitated where there is no agenda, a place free from ‘cruising’ and a space where people can be themselves as they journey on the path of reconciling faith and sexuality, or discovering new beliefs or truths for their lives.

It is important to establish strong networks and connections and give youth the support they need from services we know and trust. Freedom 2 b[e] is not a church, nor is it a counselling / crisis service. It is not our responsibility to provide those services but it is our responsibility to be able to connect youth with those organisations that can. We are currently working on strong networks with ACON, Twenty10, SGLBA, MCC Churches and other Christian churches right around Australia.

However with much support already received...much more is needed. I believe that God is raising up a generation of individuals passionate about life and seeing people equipped with the hope, motivation, resources and love to move forward in every sphere of life.

Keep watching for more exciting information about this new community group. Our latest event was a BBQ and beach day where we provided lunch and drinks for almost 30 gay and lesbian youth and their friends. It was an incredible success and provided a safe space for youth on their journey of reconciliation.

Much love,
Ben Gresham

NEW POSTS COMING SOON

2009-10-21T22:56:00.002+11:00

Hi all,

life is going really well at the moment. I have had my share of challenges and excitement and can't wait to share with you how the last 6 months has been in the life of a gay christian.

NEW POSTS IN COMING WEEKS:
- The Australian Gay Christian Movement
- Jesus in the bedroom (Are gay's different to straights?)
- The links between ex-gay programs and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- The daily struggle of a gay Christian
- Freedom 2 b[e] Youth: The Reason a place for gay christian youth is needed in our society.

Check out for them on here soon. I will try and post two entries a week and get this blog happening again.

With love,
Ben Gresham

The Hope Alliance - LAUNCHING SOON

2009-05-15T01:47:00.009+10:00

The Hope Alliance will be launching officially in late June this year. We aim to set up a website, an action group and an education team to bring hope to the many indiciduals and their families affected by ex-gay ministries.

Our goals fall under

- Education

- Action

- Awareness

We will work with GLBTIQ organisations and individuals as well as churches and former ex-gay leaders to generate a message of hope for the men and women who are facing spiritual abuse, persecution and descrimination because of their sexual orientation.

The Hope Alliance is a movement, NOT an organisation. We are not tied to any GLBT groups or any church denominations. We are just an alliance of individuals willing to fight injustice in our city, in our churches, in our community.

The HOPE Alliance is establishing itself as an movement that combats the expansion of the ex-gay programs, educating both Christian and secular Australians about the damage they cause.

We believe it is important to give people struggling with their faith and sexuality opportunity to access information and support from various Christian and secular organisations.

We state emphatically that people who are same-sex attracted, queer, homosexual, bisexual and transgendered do not need to try and change their sexual orientation or their sexuality. We also believe that attempts by homosexuals to become opposite-sex attracted are not successful and instead cause a lot of psychological damage and pain.

“You’ve got to give them HOPE” – Harvey Milk

For more information email THA at: thehopealliance@gmail.com

WEBSITE & YOUTUBE CHANNEL COMING MID 2009

"The movement begins with us....individuals standing up for justice, giving hope to others" - Ben Gresham (2009)

LAUNCHING MID 2009

A Gay Christian in the Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras

2009-04-27T19:38:00.007+10:00

On the 7th March 2009, I marched in my first Mardi Gras with the group Freedom 2 b[e]. For me this was an event surrounded in excitement, fear, anticipation, doubt, love and uncertainty.

Growing up in a predominantly Christian household, Mardi Gras was always seen as an evil, wicked event for the homosexuals. Was told often "it's disgusting" or more commonly "pray for rain so that the devil may not do his work".

And here I was about to march in something that was meant to be 'evil'. I sat there in the marshalling area and it all became too much. Those fears and uncertainties were surrounding me as I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. I was in a Tee, shorts and a cap, like many of the other Freedom 2 b[e] group, while many other groups were wearing little more than speedos or undies. I wondered if this is really where a Christian should be....

I gathered a group of about 5 or 6 people together and we just started praying. As we prayed I knew that God's love, strength and hope was with us and at that moment we knew we had to march. We could not pull out. We had to be the light and pour out love to all who were there, showing the gay community that God really does love them.

Marching was an amazing experience. For me, it helped me gain a greater sense of self acceptance and hope as a gay man. It also helped me to understand that even in the midst of uncertainty and fear, God is with us. Jesus holds you and me close and he will never let us go. He is there with open arms to comfort us when we are weak.

As I walked down Oxford Street, I looked around and caught glimpses of people that I knew. Uni friends, school mates and mates from the gay community were there. All cheering me on. Even my parents were watching on TV, cheering for me. I had never felt so liberated in my entire life!!

I also caught the eyes of some people in the crowd that connected with our message. By marching we were being voices for them, giving them hope, showing them that God has never stopped loving them for being gay. Jesus was always there, even though the church may have rejected them.

PLEASE TAKE TIME TO WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW...

Church aims to "change" gays featuring Ben Gresham

2009-04-01T00:57:00.004+11:00

Above: Ron & Ruth Brookman

Source: Fairfax Media, 2009.

Church aims to "change" gays

BY ALICIA WOOD

27/03/2009 5:02:00 PM

A RAMSGATE church has attracted national attention for its programs to guide people out of sexual "brokenness''.

Of most controversy is a program to help homosexuals overcome same-sex attraction.

But director of Living Waters ministries, Ron Brookman, said the controversy was misdirected.

Mr Brookman married his second wife, Ruth, in 1994, and the pair have three children. But he said he can recall being attracted to men from age five.

"I believe homosexuality is a tendency, not a tyranny,'' Mr Brookman said.

After successfully completing the program, Mr Brookman said he had not acted on homosexual impulses.

"I'm so thankful to God, and I want to proclaim his goodness, and give other people hope that change is possible,'' he said.

"The years I was gay were the worst of my life ... This is the happiest time of my life.''

A Sutherland Shire man, 40, who did not wish to be named, completed the Living Waters program and is now married with two children.

He said he was never content with his life as a homosexual man.

"The gay scene is known for its promiscuity and for its lack of commitment. There were days where I had more casual encounters than people have hot meals in a day,'' he said.

"But I dealt with depression, I felt suicidal, because the lifestyle I had conflicted with what I believed in my heart.''

Ben Gresham, 20, went to programs similar to Living Waters. But for him, they did more harm than good.

"I had really bad depression when I realised nothing was changing, and I started to self harm. Then I started to attempt suicide. I thought because I couldn't change, I needed to be punished.''

He was jolted out of his fixation with change when a fellow program member committed suicide.

Lloyd Jones, 24, was encouraged to embrace his homosexuality when his mother came out as a lesbian after experiencing many conversion programs, including Living Waters.

Despite their experiences, both Lloyd and Ben said they believed that people who ran conversion programs were only trying to do good.

STRAIGHT TALK

Living Waters began as part of Exodus International, an inter-denominational Christian organisation founded in 1976.

It came to Australia in 1972 to help homosexuals change their sexual orientation.

Using Christian counselling and prayer, it is a six-month program that encourages people to confess homosexual acts or impulses and pray for healing.

For some time it was offered as a referral service from Hillsong Church, but this is no longer the case.

WANT TO SEE FULL ARTICLE & MAKE A COMMENT?

GO TO: The Leader: 'Church aims to "change" gays'

Ben Gresham on YouTube

2009-04-01T00:46:00.003+11:00

To see more videos:

GO TO: Youtube - Gay Christian?

And We Marched Forward....

2009-03-11T19:38:00.003+11:00

MARDI GRAS 2009 POST COMING SOON!!!!

The lead up to Mardi Gras 2009...

2009-03-05T02:39:00.009+11:00

Excitement and Fear, Hope and Sadness, Joy and Pain....
Some of the emotions running through my head as the countdown to the 2009 Mardi Gras comes even closer..

As I think of the many reasons I am marching...

I think back on this time only one year ago...

March 2008:
After leaving my third year of reparative ex-gay therapy in January, I had just attempted suicide for the second time. My car had been written off in the crash with my back and neck hurt and with many bruises and my wrists were covered with scars from all the self harm. My future was hopeless. I was not 'out' to anyone outside of my church. My friend was dead, I was on high doses of anti depressants and I was not sure if I believed in God anymore...How could a God of love cause me so much pain??

My view of myself was that I was a failure to God. I was gay and I couldn't change. I had done something wrong. I deserved to be punished for being gay because being gay was not 'right' in the eyes of the Lord. These are some of the things I believed at the time, only a year ago.

'Coming out' to Early 09:
After coming out in June, with the help of Jesus, Anthony Venn-Brown and Freedom 2 b[e], I worked through my conflicts between my faith and sexuality. It was a long and difficult process but overall it helped me learn about love, compassion, hope and that I was loved, even as a gay man, especially as a gay man by an amazing God who has plans and purposes for my life. That being gay is not a sin or sickness. It is who I am. And God loves me for that!!

I started to share with others my story, the ex-gay programs, suicide attempts and my love for Jesus and people listened and found hope in a reconciled faith and sexuality. I spoke at Freedom 2 b[e], MCC Sydney, to friends at Hillsong, and to students and lecturers at Southern Cross bible college. My story was giving people hope and helping to break down barriers between the church and the gay community. Having power beyond anything I could have imagined.

Through Anthony, somehow I ended up on ABC Television and was featured on 'The Hack Half Hour' and soon after on Triple J radio. My story was being told and people were gaining hope and understanding. I remember praying before the filming of the show in a small room at ABC Studios. Praying that by telling my story, people would know that they are loved as they are by a God who does not condemn homosexuals.

After the show, the phone calls, emails and friend requests started popping up everywhere. One mother in Western Australia emailed me to tell me how proud of me she was and that it helped her understand her gay son better. A young bible college student in South Australia wrote me asking me for help in dealing with gay and lesbian youth. A 29 year old woman who had gone to Mercy Ministries, was hurt by their ex-gay program and was so scared to go back to church but my story helped her get back to God. A father who was now able to see his gay son in a whole new light and try and communicate with him after years of rejection because of his strong religious beliefs. And an Sydney Anglican pastor who used to preach that gay was a sin and send parishioners to ex-gay programs, sent me a facebook message saying 'sorry' and asking for help in how to teach God's word more faithfully.

The story even went internationally, as a young man in Arizona, United States saw my 'Coming Out' letter on the Freedom 2 b[e] website and told me that it had helped him 'come out' to his parents and go back to church for one more go with God. Also a teenage boy in the Phillipenes found hope to keep going even when everything was against him.

I could never have imagined what God would do through me, through my story. I am so humbled by the experience and motivated to keep going and help others. Jesus' main command is 'Love God & Love Others' and I pray that continues to always be my goal.

During those months I had started my first real relationship with Rob. With him, I realised that the love that two people can have for each other, even if it is two men...it's too beautiful to say that it's wrong. I remember looking into Rob's eyes and thanking God for something I never thought was possible. To me, the relationship wasn't about physical attraction or lust but it was about two hearts connecting with love for one another. It didn't seem as wrong or 'evil' as they told me it would be in church. It was the opposite. It was beautiful, special, pure. Gay relationships were not wrong. They were a blessing.

In early 2009, along with Penny Davis and Joshua Bates, we started 'The Hope Alliance'. This social justice movement aims to educate the church, secular and gay communities about the existence and danger of 'ex-gay' programs and take action against the planned expansion of the ex-gay movement in Sydney, Australia. In January 'The Hope Alliance' took out a press release and the movement officially started. This appeared in 'SX News' and was brought to the attention of many well-known gay and lesbian people, media sources and churches. This sparked conversation and in February, prompted journalist, Katrina Fox to write an article for the Sydney Morning Herald (which is Sydney's most widely read newspaper). It appeared on page 12 and the news was getting out there and people were finding hope..

Now - March 2009
Well...so much has happened in the last year.
The future is ahead of me and I am ready...What's next?

Well the Mardi Gras parade to start with..

Why am I marching??
- Because I am finally living in freedom!
- Because I love my gay community!
- Because I love God!
- Because we need to speak for those who cannot!
- To stand up for humanity and for equality!

I am Ben Gresham
I am a homosexual
I know my God loves me
I AM FREE!!

Hope Alliance media release prompts Katrina Fox to write SMH 'Straight and Narrow' article

2009-02-27T15:48:00.008+11:00

Many of you may have read the article 'Straight and Narrow' in Friday's Sydney Morning Herald by Katrina Fox. This article was prompted by 'The Hope Alliance' media release which was seen in SX News and Joshua Bates only a few weeks ago and shed light on the expanding works of the Living Waters ex-gay ministry.

While it was a good article, much was missing that really needed to be said. Katrina interviewed me and incorporated my comments in the article, however during the editing process my part was cut out. My good friend and Freedom 2 b[e] leader, Anthony Venn-Brown, was able to get a few sentences in which was better than nothing.

Questions asked by Katrina Fox & my written responses:

The Living Waters ministry are adamant that you can't be gay and Christian, that the two are mutually exclusive. What is your response to this?

I am gay and I am Christian. The two are NOT mutually exclusive. I am living proof of that and there are many others just like me. Just because I happen to be attracted to the same sex does not mean that I cannot live a life for Jesus. I still attend the same Pentecostal church many times a week, as many straight believers do, and I still read the bible and pray. I never chose to be attracted to the same sex and I know in my heart that Jesus loves me and accepts me just as I am.

I have a good knowledge of the Bible and the message that Jesus preached is one of love, truth, justice, hope and inclusiveness. Christianity is based on the message of Jesus and Jesus never mentioned anything about homosexuality. I believe, if Christ had said something that it would have been a message of affirmation and love for gays and lesbians.

I believe you went through some 'ex gay' therapies and treatments. Can you describe briefly what it entailed and some of the emotions you experienced?

At 16 years old, I entered my first ex-gay program called 'Door of Hope', similar in many ways to Living Waters. This was a 60 day mostly-online course where you were 'cured' from homosexuality. I was given a mentor at my local church to guide me and help me in my battle against homosexuality, he was an ex-gay himself and was married with 2 kids. Each day it would take about 2-3 hours and I would sit through the constant lessons about how being gay is a sin and that only God can heal you from this terrible affliction. I had to confess everything, whether I had thoughts about men, if I had had sex or masturbated, whether I had looked at pornography. We had to tell the truth and admit those things every day. If we failed in one area we were told that we had to put more effort into this and try harder. After about three months, the quest for change continued and I entered into another ex-gay program. The same one with the same rules and same hardships. Except this time they were harder on me because I had failed the first. I needed to have more faith or so they told me.

At 17, I started attending a new Pentecostal church and soon after began one-on-one ex-gay counselling sessions or reparative therapy as it is commonly known. The program was not as strict as the other ones and offered more hope and compassion to me and my situation. However I was taught a few different things like how to act more male and was given relationship advice on how to date. It all seems funny now but they supposedly had a reason behind it. After months and months of therapy, that was it and I was meant to be healed. I was told that God wanted me to have a happy fulfilling life as a straight man and he wanted me to get married and have a family. However even after all that time, I could never gain feelings for the opposite-sex or get rid of my feelings for other men.

Going through the ex-gay programs was like riding an emotional roller coaster. Having hope for change at the beginning of each program only to find out that nothing had really changed at all. It was exciting to think about the prospect of becoming straight, that I could be accepted and embraced like all of the other people in my church, that one-day I could have a wife and family, a life that God would be happy with. Realising after each program that nothing had changed at all, that I still had feelings for men, I became very depressed and felt like a failure, like I needed to be punished because I couldn't be who I needed to be. It was in those moments that I would continually self harm myself, punishing myself for being gay. Facing the reality that I couldn't change was terrifying, because it meant that I would be resigned to living a life away from God's love and that I would be going to hell and forced to live out the rest of my days as a 'poor, sick' homosexual.

Through all of these programs, I was never truly happy. I hated myself and saw myself as a failure in the eyes of God. Every day was a constant struggle to try and be the young man the church said I needed to be, a straight man. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep, only to wake up in the morning knowing I was still gay.

I only became happy and free when I accepted myself and loved myself as the gay man that I am. When I stopped trying to change, and realised that this is me, I no longer 'struggled' and I found myself welcomed and embraced with love by the gay community. Suddenly I was no longer a mistake, but somebody that mattered.

There are people in Living Waters who argue that they have been able to 'recover' from homosexuality, in the same way people recover from drug and alcohol addiction, even though they still 'struggle' with the process. What are your thoughts on these people?

Drug and alcohol addiction are very serious issues and can be treated over time with much hard work. Homosexuality, however is orientation and because you do not choose to be gay, it cannot be treated in the same way that you can treat alcoholism or drug abuse.

So often, these ex-gay programs mix up homosexuality with sexual addiction, labelling all gay people as sex addicts. I believe that sexual addiction is a serious issue and if the ex-gay programs help people deal with their sexual addiction, then that is a good thing. BUT this must not be mixed up with sexual orientation. People still 'struggle' with the process because underneath it all, their feelings for the same sex will never go away because it an orientation. Something without choice.
When I was in the ex-gay programs I was struggling, every day and the feelings for other men never went away. When I accepted myself after years of torment, pain and sadness, I was no longer struggling. I knew that I was gay and it was ok....there was nothing that needed to be healed. And in that moment, I was living in freedom.

Why, in your opinion, do ex-gay reparative therapies not work?

Simple answer, because there is nothing to fix. Homosexuality is natural and beautiful and trying to change your sexual orientation is almost as bizarre as trying to change your race and skin colour.
Sexual addiction, drugs and alcohol can all be treated, but homosexuality is not like that. It’s not a choice. I have never been attracted to the opposite sex and I never chose to be gay. It’s just who I am. You can’t change that.
There is no scientific or psychological evidence supporting change in sexual orientation. Biblically, there is nothing in the bible saying that gay people have to change or even speaking about change. I believe that Gods loves all people including gays just as they are.

Any other comments?

Unfortunately many ex-gay leaders only see the gay stereotype and assume we are all sex-craved perverts that need to be saved. If they could see the gay community as I see it now, then they would understand that homosexuality is not a curse or a sickness, but rather a unique gift from God, a blessing into a greater compassion and understanding of human potential and what it means to love unconditionally.
It is sad that it had to take three years of ex-gay programs and reparative therapy including several suicide attempts, years of self loathing, self harm and depression to make me come to the point where I had to question myself as to whether or not being gay is really a sin. If only the church had shown the love to me that I really needed before I had to go through so much pain. If only someone had told us that we were not sick or failures to God. That being gay was ok. Things would have been different...
The ex-gay programs are a breeding ground for intolerance, homophobia and self hate and are not consistent with the main Christian message of love.

COMMENTS WELCOME

The Australian ex-gay movement: What is happening?

2009-02-06T11:51:00.012+11:00

By Benjamin Gresham. 2009

A major ex-gay program, Living Waters, is seeking to expand across Sydney and even the rest of Australia. Led by Christian minister and ex-gay himself, Ron Brookman. Living Waters is located in Ramsgate in Southern Sydney but also runs groups in St Marys, and North West and South West Sydney through various churches and ministries. Living Waters is holding an ex-gay confernce in Sydney in February and starting up a new branch on the Northern Beaches in April 2009. Along with this, Ron brookman aims to release his autobiography in the near future as well as 2 other books which will promote the ex-gay message.

The expansion of the ex-gay programs across Sydney is a major concern as the psychological damage and pain caused by these programs is considerable. Hundreds of young gay men and women who have gone through these programs have committed suicide after not being able to change their sexual orientation. I attempted suicide twice after 3 years of ex-gay programs and I am lucky to be alive today. I have a friend who was not so lucky and after struggling with his sexuality and being told he had to change...he committed suicide back in 2007.

Ex-gay programs, like Living Waters are also affecting Australian politics and ex-gay leader Ron Brookman had a major influence in former Australian PM John Howard re-defining marriage back in 2004, solely between a man and woman, ruling out same-sex marriage and making it illegal.

The damages of the ex-gay programs:
- Suicides
- Major psychological damage
- Self hatred & Self harm
- Discrimination towards the gay community
- Promotion of homophobia
- People walking away from God and the church
- Influence on Australian politics and laws

Other Australian ex-gay programs include Liberty Christian Ministries led by Simon Riches, Mercy Ministries which is associated with Hillsong Church and Exodus International, who was once led in Australia by well known ex-gay preacher Sy Rogers. Sy Rogers also has his eyes set on Sydney, as a major speaker at the Hillsong Colour Conference to be held at the Sydney Entertainment Centre in March this year.

2009 will see the ex-gay movement expand within Sydney and Australia and the gay community and particularly gay Christians must stand up and take action against these programs. We must do this in a spirit of love, hope and peace in order to effectively help save lives and show young GLBTIQ men and women that they are valued and loved just as they are.

'The Hope Alliance' movement is taking action against the expansion of the ex-gay programs in Australia providing education and awareness on the harm and myths associated with ex-gay ministries and taking action against their expanding works.

- Read the article 'Alliance to take on ex-gay groups' in SX News

- Read the media release 'Program that promises to fix homosexuals expands in Sydney'

- Damages of Australian ex-gay programs mentioned on Truth Wins Out

I love my community...

2009-01-03T23:34:00.006+11:00

A look at the 2008 ‘SameSame’ Top 25 Most Influential Gay and Lesbians and a young gay man lucky enough to be at this monumental event.

I, Ben Gresham am proud of my community.

A community of gay and lesbian men and women who can achieve anything.

Faced with some of the greatest injustices, our community still has a long way to go until we achieve equality. The ‘SameSame’ Top 25 list showcased some of the outstanding men and women who are changing our nation and our world, breaking negative stereotypes and showing people everywhere that equality, freedom and human rights matter.

Invited by Anthony Venn-Brown, whose name appeared on the list in 2007, I was given the opportunity to see my community as they really were. The stereotypes were breaking all around me as I spoke to intelligent, powerful, talented gays and lesbians. Sure there was that bit of gay humour and some funny, perhaps inappropriate jokes, but here was a room full of people, that despite all the challenges, and hardships, have risen to the top and are influencing the way the world thinks and acts.

Only six months before, in June 2008, I had come out to family, friends and church and yet I found myself lucky enough to be talking to some of the greatest people you will ever meet. As the night progressed, the dreams, passions and desires in my heart began to soar and I can see that what may seem impossible is actually possible. I believe that gay people have a place in the church and that homosexuality is NOT a sin or sickness. It is not a choice but it is an orientation which cannot be changed.

Earlier this year, I had attempted suicide twice after several years of ex-gay programs and being taught to hate who I was. I almost succeeded in killing myself and I know others who have died because of the intensity of these programs and the reality that they cannot become straight. Saving lives and preventing suicide matter.

Each of us has a part to play in our community. Whether it is a big role like being the Justice of the High Court of the Nation or a small one like selling red ribbons on World Aids Day. Everything counts. We are in this together. The stand for equality and gay rights must be taken by all of us. We can stand proud and live openly and honestly as gay men and women.

Don’t be scared to change the world!!

By Benjamin Gresham

Being gay in a Christian family....

2008-12-18T13:57:00.004+11:00

My family are all Christians, my mother and father grew up in the church and were taught to believe the basic fundamental things such as creation, the fall of man and the sacrifice of Jesus to save the world. Around that time, homosexuality was still considered illegal. Not only was it seen by those in the church as an 'abomination' and sin but it was also seen by society as a mental disorder and something that was illegal. Homosexuality was not decriminalised in the state of New South Wales until 1984 (AIC, 1991). Many gay men and women during that time were kicked out of churches, beaten and locked up by police and persecuted by the 'average' Australian. My parents were brought up in that society, in that church culture. They were taught to see homosexuality as a mental disorder, something illegal, unnatural and an 'abomination'.

In reality, as a gay community we have come a long way since then, even Christians have come a long way towards being more compassionate towards gay and lesbian people. There is still a long way to go but we will get there. My parents to my surprise have become my biggest support in the coming out process. Yes they are bible believing Christians but they too have come along way in their faith and in the value they place upon all individuals. They understand that this world is not black or white but full of shades of grey.

Growing up my dad was the kind of father that would ridicule characters like 'Jack' on 'Will & Grace' and think flamboyant gays had something wrong with them. I remember driving down Oxford Street as a young boy, knowing I was gay but too scared to say anything. My dad would point out the window to the gay men holding hands and kissing and yell at them and tell me and my sister how disgusting it was....

My mother never talked about it much but kept to herself on the issues of homosexuality. Like most Christians, she honestly was confused about the whole topic and had no idea what to believe. They don't teach you in the church that gay men and women can be amazing, influential and make a positive difference to the world and certainly the words 'gay' and 'Christian' are two things that can never be said together....

My father has been one of my greatest supports and allies in helping to make a positive difference in the church and in society. His transformation from a homophobic man to a man that embraces gay people has no doubt been extraordinary. Since I came out he has been able to see people in general in a whole new light. Never more will he condemn the prostitute or persecute the homosexual. Coming out has a powerful effect on all individuals.

My mother has also been such a wonderful support in this. Her knowledge of the bible and of history, context and culture is remarkable and she has helped me, along with many others understand the bible as it truly is. As a straight woman with a gay son...this has not been easy on her. Her dreams for me of having a wife and family are no longer possible but I believe as old dreams die, new ones appear. Her compassion and the love of Jesus she has shown me has given me hope to make it through each day. I am truly blessed.

Before I came out to my parents, I organised a place to stay, thinking that they would kick me out of home and disown me....I am sure many gay men and women reading this believe their parents would do the same thing....don't be so sure. I do not promise that coming out will be easy for anyone and it certainly wasn't for me but have hope in your parents. They love you and you are their child...They may not accept or embrace you immediately but give them time....their own kind of 'coming out' process.

For help in how to come out to your parents.....check out my story and letter in the link below:

'COMING OUT TO CHRISTIAN PARENTS' - Ben Gresham & Freedom 2 b[e]

Ben on ABC's Hack Half Hour

2008-11-18T02:46:00.003+11:00

Last night the episode of 'The Hack Half Hour' I am featured on aired on ABC Television.

Overall, much was edited and left out of the show. One and a half hours of filming down to 28 minutes...

My words and story went well and I only hope that people are impacted by last night's show. That people realise that God loves them as they are. You can have your faith and be gay!!

Jesus Christ came for all!!

Many opinions from many different faiths and journeys, all in the same studio room. Makes one interesting episode that's for sure.

Ex-Gay Experience (PART FOUR)

2008-10-27T20:30:00.005+11:00

Depression was not an easy thing for a 20 year old male to face. I would wake up every morning, thinking I was a mistake, hoping that the next day I would be straight although inside I knew that wasn't possible....

Getting out of bed and facing each day was an enormous challenge. I would fight against the anger and sadness that kept pounding me until I could hardly go on.. Depression is a common mental illness, however I kept it hidden from everyone...the thought of being labelled someone who had mental issues was too much for me to take and the thought that people could realise that behind my depression, I was gay and I couldn't change....I couldn't be who they wanted me to be.

I started seeing a psychologist regularly at a Christian Health Centre. Seeing a Christian psychologist, I was almost certain that he would put me in another ex-gay program. I was surprised to find out over the following weeks and months that he could look past his preconceived ideas and prejudices and focus on the human need and love the person. After all of my pain and all the hurt previous church leaders caused me I was shocked to see somebody that actually cared about me. He took the time to help me sort out all of my issues and concerns and the most important thing was that he actually helped me believe that God did love me and that I was not a mistake. I remember times when he would open up the bible and share verses with me, showing me that God loves me, even as a gay man. He seemed a little uncertain of how to deal with my homosexuality, however his compassionate heart and nature showed me the love of Jesus and that I was loved exactly as I am.

Over the months, the medication started to kick in and the suicidal thoughts still remained, although they started to decrease as I worked with my psychologist and with God to try and get better and to acknowledge my self for the first time in my life as a gay man. During that time I found Freedom 2 b[e] which was an organisation for GLBT people from Christian backgrounds...I saw that they met in Sydney and so I did some research and after a few weeks I signed up on the online forum. I shared my story with others for the first time in my life and I was surprised to see that I was not the only one. There were so many other gay Christians out there, so many people that had gone through the ex-gay programs and I could identify with them....for once I didn't feel so alone. Freedom 2 b[e] gave me exactly what it's name says...It gave me freedom and hope that I could be myself and still live a very happy life.

Now I believe that ‘With God all things are possible’ and if He wanted to change me from gay to straight then He would but I believe that God made me as I am and accepts me, even embraces me as a gay man.

So God is good he always is...

2008-09-19T16:03:00.004+10:00

Day after day, month after month, year after year.....GOD IS GOOD!!

He never changes.

He created this world, breathed life into my soul and died on a cross to save my life.

The love of God changes you and after you meet with Jesus...you will never be the same. He is my strength and my shield. No matter what I go through I know that God loves me. He holds me in His arms and gives me grace for each new day.

So even though it is such a challenge being gay and being a Christian....I live for God because I love him...but more because HE FIRST LOVED ME...

Next post = Ex-gay experience pt 4

Coming soon = Freedom and Hope

The Ex-Gay Experience (PART THREE)

2008-08-28T21:34:00.004+10:00

After almost three years of these programs and the intense reparative therapy and reading almost every book from well known ex-gay authors like Sy Rogers, Joe Dallas and Alan Chambers, something finally hit me and I realised that even though I had given my all that nothing had actually changed. All that praying, all of the counselling and all that effort, and those ‘curing’ exercises could not make me straight. It couldn’t even take away my desire to be with another man. Nothing had changed and I had to confront the harsh reality.....Could I really change......Will I ever be straight?

The trials and temptations only continued as I started to go deeper, past the Christian book stores and church walls and into the world, looking for research that was stronger than the programs and trying to find out if anyone had really changed. I looked closer at my bible and took into account for the first time, the context and culture behind the word of God.

Around that time, Sy Rogers was coming to speak at church and I was excited as this gave me hope for change once more and I knew Sy through his books and resources. Attending the Sense & Sexuality seminar, I was surprised that Sy did not preach a message of change. He didn’t really bring it up. This is because; as I later discovered that Sy Rogers no longer believes in re-orientation of homosexuals and that his problem was not homosexuality but rather transgenderism. In an interview with Sy Rogers he exclaims “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”.

The many Joe Dallas books that I was given to read took you through many aspects of the ‘healing’ process and the book ‘Desires in Conflict’ even has a chapter on how to date and court the opposite sex and how marriage is the final cure for homosexuality. Books and resources like these are available in abundant supply at many churches across the nation and also at Christian mega-stores like Koorong. When most Christians need advice then they head to Koorong to grab a book on the issue. If young gay Christians or parents of homosexuals were to buy a book on homosexuality from Koorong then they would get a book promoting change as the only option. This is a danger as these books cause much harm to the person trying to change.

Researching the issue more I realised that maybe change was not possible and the thought of living in this pain the rest of my life terrified me. Alicia Salzar, a psychiatrist and producer of the film ‘Abomination’ says “only 4% of people in the ex-gay programs are able to make a lasting change”.

Salzar then goes on to say “They don’t tell you about the depression, the suicides, the self-loathing, the shaming that goes on and how messed up you can really be by going through these ex-gay programs” (Salzar, 2007).

If I was going to hell anyway and I would not be accepted here then what is the point of going on, I thought. And so self- hatred ended up in self harm and I would often grab the razor blade and slowly start cutting my arms. The realisation that I was doing this gave me a shock but I felt like I was a mistake, like I needed to be punished for being gay.

One day I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t sleep and at 3am, I got in my car and started driving....speeding as fast as I could....went down the motorways of Sydney and I made the decision that night would be my final night. So I sped down the M2 and put my foot full-throttle on the accelerate and turned my wheel toward the big concrete edges of the motorway...I went from the far right lane, drifting over to the left, and straight towards the concrete walls of the motorway. At the last moment something pressed my left foot firmly on the brake and I missed the wall by only a few centimetres. I sat there crying, realising what I had almost done and knowing that this time, by some miracle that God had spared my life.

Later that week I made an appointment with my doctor and summoned up the courage to speak about what was going on in my life. She diagnosed me with severe clinical depression which was a shock to me because even though things were hard I would never have seen myself as the kind of person who battles depression. In order to diagnose me she performed all these tests and treatments to get an accurate idea of my mental state. After diagnosis, she referred me to a Christian psychologist and prescribed doses of anti-depressants.

PART 4 CLICK HERE

The Ex-Gay Experience (PART TWO) - Being Gay at Hillsong

2008-08-25T13:52:00.005+10:00

Note: Please take into account that most names have been taken out in respect of the leaders involved. It should also be noted that there is much inconsistency amongst Hillsong church leaders and not all leaders are anti-gay. Most people at the church are well intentioned and compassionate and only act out of love...

At 17, some of my friends which invited me to this church called Hillsong. I declined as I wasn’t interested in church but after a couple weeks when they asked again for some reason I said yes. I went along to a church I had never experienced before. There were hundreds of youth my age and the people seemed genuine and truly in love with God.

The whole style of worship fascinated me as many people spoke of a God of miracles, of love, compassion and hope. Suddenly the whole God idea became ever more real and I saw a people for once that practiced what they preached. Christians that loved God and a God that seemed to love and bless them. I didn’t become a Christian that night but it was the start of something new and I just couldn’t forget about it.

I went again, many times in fact and I started to learn about the real God. The God that no-one had ever shown me before. I had no idea what they thought of gay people but it didn’t seem to matter. Hillsong was a house of miracles. If you could change, it would certainly happen there.

In July of 2005, I went along with my friends to the Hillsong Conference. I had never imagined what a great week it would be and while hesitant at first, I started to really see who God was and how he loved me. On Friday, the last night of conference I entered into a relationship with Jesus and became a Christian.

I started going along to Hillsong more regularly. It was my home church and I loved it but after a while I started to hear similar anti-gay messages of change and deliverance. However Hillsong did things well and always made the impossible seem possible. I believed once more that I could change and I was told once more that I had to for Jesus. My hope once more began to rise and I believed that now that I was actually a Christian, through the power of the Holy Spirit that I will be free from homosexuality.

I gathered up the courage to admit my struggle with homosexuality and tell some of the church leaders. One leader was a very friendly, happy young man that had grown up in the church. He would always offer support and encouragement. However when I told him about my sexuality, he looked at me with sympathy and said “Well...Sy Rogers did it...I will pray for you”. I guess it was hard for him to understand because unless your sexuality is challenged then you come to take it for granted. This leader would often ignore the situation but one day he told me to ring the church and told me “these demons that are in you are fighting..... don’t let them win”. I was also told that I have a lack of faith and that God doesn’t let this happen to someone who trusts in Him. These constant comments brought tears to my eyes. I believed I was a failure to God and that he could never really love me. I wanted God’s love so much, I wanted Him to be glorified, to make me whole.

I remember asking another church leader about my sexuality and being told firmly that “God does not want you to be gay...do not listen to the world, do not accept yourself”.

I started attending one-on-one ex-gay counselling sessions or reparative therapy as it is commonly known. The program was not as strict as the other ones and offered more hope and compassion to me and my situation. However I was taught a few different things like how to act more male and was given relationship advice on how to date. It all seems funny now but they supposedly had a reason behind it. I was also constantly prayed for and one leader even performed an exorcism and told me that being gay is the work of the devil and that I had demons in me. After a few sessions, that was it and I was meant to be healed. I was told that God wanted me to have a happy fulfilling life as a straight man and he wanted me to get married and have a family.

I believed that I was healed for a while and that any attraction to other men was just the devil trying to tempt me. I even went on a few dates to prove to myself that I was healed. However there was no connection and things never worked out. In the church I was a success story and those few people that knew had praised God for my deliverance out of homosexuality. Sadly the delusion could only last so long...

Part 3 CLICK HERE

The Ex-Gay Experience (PART ONE)

2008-08-22T02:00:00.003+10:00

The realisation that I was gay came to me when I was about 12, early compared to most people. It’s not that I didn’t like girls; it was just that I was not attracted to them physically. This worried and confused me and at age 12 in a society where being gay was considered a sin and a problem, I started my journey of self hate. As soon as I knew who God was I started desperately praying for God to change me from homosexual to heterosexual. I didn’t know if God was real or not but I knew that if he was he didn’t want me to be gay. That’s what I was told.....

I hated myself and didn’t think that being gay was part of God’s plan. Only ever going to a small Anglican church on major holidays, I gained a basic, shallow knowledge of the God of the Christian bible. Love was preached but something else was practiced. This unconditional love shown by Jesus in the bible was not found in the church that I was at I would call myself a Christian but in reality that was far from the truth.

After all the church never told you that “gay is ok”. Instead I remember a message about those that are going to hell. According to the pastor, it included prostitutes, drunkards, greedy, the sinful and of course....gays. I constantly lied to myself and to others pretending to be straight. I would continually put on a facade as if everything was ok but underneath it wasn’t. I don’t know if there is anything harder than trying to deal with your sexuality in a church and a society that condemns you.

No one would choose to be gay after all. It was like receiving the ‘death card’ within the church and society. As far as I know I was born gay. Scientific and Psychological evidence has proven this recently and yet still there are so many people in the world today that would rather stay ignorant and judgemental.

With all of this in my past and with confusion, pain and hopelessness continually filling my life, I started looking for answers. Could I change, Is it possible?

At the age of 11 my parents started going to church more regularly and the same views on homosexuality did not change. If you were gay then you went to hell. I was told that homosexuals were an abomination and that is what I believed about myself. I had to change but how..?

After searching and searching, at 16 years old, I entered my first ex-gay program called ‘Door of Hope’. This was a 60 day mostly-online course where you were ‘cured’ from homosexuality. I didn’t tell anyone except some church leaders and when my parents asked where I was going I responded by saying ‘a friends place’. They honestly thought that’s where I was.

I was given a mentor. He was 42 years old and married with a family. He always sounded so sure of himself as if He knew 100% that he was no longer gay. His marriage he said was testament to this. But even at 16, I had my doubts but because I so badly wanted to change I was willing to go ahead and do the course. Each day it would take about 2-3 hours and I would sit through the constant lessons about how being gay is a sin and that only God can heal you from this terrible affliction. I had to confess everything, whether I had thoughts about men, if I had had sex or masturbated, whether I had looked at pornography. We had to tell the truth and admit those things every day. If we failed in one area we were told that we had to put more effort into this and try harder. During the early sessions I would give in to masturbation. Only about once a week but still I was a failure. I wasn’t trying enough. I was told to pray and ask for forgiveness and told that this demonstrated my lack of faith. I was only 16 after all, with hormones racing and a limited knowledge of the bible but they didn’t even take this into consideration. I just wanted to change because I didn’t want to go to hell and I believed that God wouldn’t love me otherwise.

I persevered and I finished 45 out of the 60 days before I couldn’t take it anymore. My school marks were failing and I could no longer deal with the immense pain I went through every day. Although the fact that I didn’t finish made me a failure, I just couldn’t handle it.

After about three months, the quest for change continued and I entered into another ex-gay program. The same one with the same rules and same hardships. Except this time they were harder on me because I had failed the first. I needed to have more faith or so they told me. The theology used and lessons taught are very debatable now but to a naive 16 year old they seemed so right. After 53 days (better than last time) I gave up once more. I just stopped going. I didn’t believe anymore in changing or in God but still the shame, confusion and damage remained.

Later that year I took off for an exchange trip to Germany and came back more relaxed, with a different outlook on life and a greater independence. I rarely attended church with my family and I became bitter and resented about the church as a whole and God for making me gay. It was still a problem in my eyes but I just refused to deal with it......

PART 2 - CLICK HERE

Together..

2008-08-21T01:15:00.000+10:00

Rob has been the light in this darkness. A real blessing and gift from God. When I am with him, the weight of this world just passes away.

Rob and I have been together now for 5 weeks. He is not just my boyfriend but also my brother in Christ and one of my best mates.

Having met at a gay Christian organisation, we instantly fell for each other. I’m not sure I believe in love at first sight but if it is true then that is what happened with Rob and I.

He taught me that love between two people can bring about the best in each other. That love is about trust, forgiveness, grace and companionship.

Currently in Australia, same-sex marriage is not legal. I am hoping this will change as people start to see how gay men and women can truly love each other.

"In Love there is no room for fear, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear implies punishment and no one who is afraid has come to perfection in love" (1 John 4:18).

There is a strong possibility that Rob may have to go to Melbourne for work and if so where does that leave me?

I am not sure...Who knows?

NEW BLOGS - COMING SOON

2008-08-18T19:18:00.005+10:00

Hey readers??

I will be posting up a whole heap of blogs soon including:

Hillsong & the Homosexual

Ex-Gay Programs: The Dangers

Living as a Gay Christian

Those 6 bible verses

A radically, inclusive Christianity

Celibacy Vs. Relationships

Jesus loves me for who I am

2008-08-18T16:03:00.002+10:00

I am still the same person today as I was yesterday. I haven’t changed except I am finally being honest. I am gay and I am alright about it for once in my life. Over the past few months through my depression I have struggled with accepting myself but I have come to accept me for who I am. I know that God still loves me and my relationship with Him will never change. Jesus is still my Saviour and while I probably have more questions than answers I just have to have faith in His saving grace.

This has been so difficult for me and when you know you’re gay and you are a Christian it almost seems like they are two worlds in conflict. But there are others, Gay Christians that is. The church as a whole is changing, motivated by the love and compassion of Jesus Christ and with the knowledge that gay people can still live a life devoted to God. Like Anthony Venn-Brown (2007) often says “Homosexuality is not a choice but morality is”.

For all my life I’ve been praying for God to take the gay away but He would not make me straight or ‘cure’ me. He seems so present in so many circumstances but it’s almost like he just leaves me alone to deal with my sexuality. I have studied the bible many times and have probably come to take a more liberal approach than before but my faith stands strong if not stronger because of this. I have a deeper connection with God and a greater understanding of human frailty and potential and what it means to love unconditionally.

I love that people can be themselves. As honest individuals we provide hope, truth and freedom to many persecuted Individuals in the world. We only have this one life here on Earth and we need to live true, authentic lives. By being ourselves we are a greater benefit to the world. I love people for who they are and I forgive those in the church that knew not what they did. They honestly believed that you can ‘cure’ homosexuality and were doing what they thought was best.

The truth set me free and finally I know who I am. I am unashamed and unshakable in my identity and I have finally found the true God. The God who created this universe, breathed life into my soul, and died for me on a cross to save my life.

Jesus loves me for who I am.

For the bible says that all of us “are fearfully and wonderfully made” and, I believe that.